It’s a car issue that when we always bring it up, it makes me feel stupid and miserable for not having my license yet.
My mom thinks that I don't care about the car but, I do and I tell her. She says I don't think about it enough which would have led to me to know how to drive by now.
Whenever I start talking to her about my plans, she says I have to think about the car first because it’s a priority.
I told her that bringing up car issue whenever we talk is giving me a headache and that I will get a car and a license after the winter, but she says I think negatively.
Yesterday was the last time we brought it up and we both were upset at the end.
I don't know if there is something wrong with me. What is your advice about this issue with my dear mom?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• It’s totally normal for young adults to create their own opinions, thoughts, and values about life. It’s what prepares them for adulthood and later stages of life.
• It is our duty as children to learn to understand their perspective and be patient with them.
• Instead of trying to change your mom, I suggest you focus your energy on learning how to manage your feelings.
• But talking and expressing your opinions can help you gain more respect from your mother.
• Communicate assertively.
• When your mom is being serious about a certain point, why not try it out for her satisfaction. Perhaps, it may be best for you.
As-Salamu Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation. I am sorry to hear of the trouble you have been going through right now.
However, I am very impressed that as a 21-year-old, you are not interested in learning how to drive and want to prioritize other things first.
I am always hearing about kids eager to drive as soon as they turn 16 or 18, and not wanting to prioritize anything else. In addition, I am truly happy to read that you really want to be kind-hearted with your mother and want her to understand you.
This, dear sister, is often not how many children, teens, or even young adults and adults with families want to think about their parents. However, no matter what the circumstances, we should also consider the following points whenever we tend to disagree and not understand our parents.
Understand Your Parents’ Perspective
Part of growing up and entering the 20s is developing your own identity — one that is separate from your parents’. It’s totally normal for young adults to create their own opinions, thoughts, and values about life. It’s what prepares them for adulthood and later stages of life.
But as you change and grow into this new person who makes her own decisions, your parents may have a difficult time adjusting. They aren’t used to the new you yet. They only know you as the kid who had everything decided for you and didn’t mind.
Think good about others’ perspectives
Dear sister, in life, when we aspire for one thing or the other, people are not always on the same page as us.
They want to do things a certain way, they want us to pursue certain things, and there are all kinds of combinations. However, we must realize that what others want is not truly bad for us. There may be certain perspectives that others have that we lack, etc.
Learn Patience
Psychology today: What is patience? I like to start with the dictionary. “Patience: the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, difficulty, or annoyance without getting angry or upset.” I don’t know anyone whose life is free of these three. In fact, I can’t recall a single day in my own life when at least one of them didn’t.
Dear sister, your mother will most likely not always agree with what you have to say and do. This is the difficulty that you are currently facing. It is the job of the parents to do so. Very few parents readily agree.
Therefore, it is our duty as children to learn to understand their perspective and be patient with them. However, do we practice patience? This can be done by managing our feelings.
Manage your feelings
Instead of trying to change your mom, I suggest you focus your energy on learning how to manage your feelings. If you find yourself getting hooked into a fight;
- take a deep breath,
- apologize for letting your temper get the best of you,
- and respectfully suggest that the two of you talk at another time.
- Then leave the situation. It’s good practice for you. It will model for your mother how you would like the two of you to relate.
Explain your situation/priorities
It is not that hard if you try to explain what is going on in your mind to your parents. Sometimes, just relaxing with them, setting up a mood and finding the right time to speak with them will be a good way for them to consider your side of the situation.
Sometimes this can feel impossible — like they just don’t see your point of view and never will. But talking and expressing your opinions can help you gain more respect from your mother. You may be able to reach compromises that make everyone happy.
Keep in mind, too, that your mom was your age once and that, in most cases, she may be able to relate to what you’re going through.
Ask your mother reasons
Dear sister, as we grow, we tend to forget that our parents are humans too, they have feelings and wishes and desires for us as well. You need to ask her concerning her desire for you to drive. Yes, the obvious reasons are apparent, but just as you would like her to understand your perspective, you also need to understand her. Then, you both can be on the same page.
Do not argue and simply do not address the topic
Another way to handle this specific topic is by not talking about it. This may not be the easiest as there are times and certain discussions which can go down a specific pathway and end up where we do not want to. But it is a way to avoid getting upset with your mother.
Consider the implications of arguments
Our journey to the Hereafter is full of difficulties and tests. This is our way to prove who we are and this process includes injustice being done to us at the hands of others. If we truly want Allah’s love and forgiveness, we must remember that the hurts of this world are only temporary.
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Therefore, although you feel annoyed by your mother’s constant order to learn to drive, you need to not make it your ultimate reason for a conversation with her.
Look at this beautiful saying of the Prophet Muhammed SAW.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said: I guarantee a house in the surroundings of Paradise for a man who avoids quarreling even if he were in the right, a house in the middle of Paradise for a man who avoids lying even if he were joking, and a house in the upper part of Paradise for a man who made his character good. (Sunan Abi Dawud)
Try things her way for a change
Dear sister, our parents want the best for us. Sometimes, as I mentioned, it is hard to understand and be on the same page. However, when your mom is being serious about a certain point, why not try it out for her satisfaction. Perhaps, it may be best for you. Make istikhara.
Why not give it a chance? If it is meant to be, it will happen; otherwise, it will not happen. However, at the end of the day, it is your decision, but you must make sure your parents, and in this case, your mother, sees your perspective and supports you.
Allah SWT says in the Quran,
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (Quran 2:216)
I pray that these points will help you settle the stress and tension between you and your mom.
Amen,
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